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im drinking andréⓇ peach moscato and it was $4.99 and when i bought it the cashier said “i gotta get me a bottle of that andréⓇ”

leave it to someone who hasn’t been on an international tour to try to belittle my international tours

nah

aint worth it

they didn’t want to do it, the snail MAKES them do it

god and charlie just goes along with it!

"there’s not enough salt in the WORLD for that woman!"

*does a somersault* i love my girlfriend, see ya *somersaults out*

i love that throughout it’s always sunny, one of the only things dennis and dee are genuinely remorseful about is salting gail the snail

Anonymous asked: it seems like you and batty both have the same sense of humor which is really cool! but it seems like that sense of humor is just making the same boring joke that the rest of tumblr is making without a unique twist on it? maybe if you both stopped playing it so dang safe you'd be funnier!

I’m literally a professional comedian who has gone on two international tours

I do not need this advice

dandyanders said: never really considered the fact that dips are called dips because you dip things in them before this post and its making me kinda uneasy

dude that’s nothing, let me tell you about screws

how lucky are we that the word “chip” rhymes with the word “dip”

battybatty:

This might be tmi but I’m writing Adam and I told him that I want to have sex, but my phone autocorrected “sex” to “Wes” and his response was “wes anderson sex??? ok. we’ll need to paint the room goldenrod. we also have to speak quickly without smiling”

Goodbye.

i like this post because it illustrates that 1.) i am funny and 2.) a pretty girl wants to bone me