from now on, i’m the news

  • gas prices
  • something bad is happening in the middle east probably
  • south korea prepares zerg rush to take out north
  • obama sneezes, nation agrees it’s “adorable”
  • polar bear floating away on global warming-induced iceberg says it “could be worse”
  • local man debates whether or not picking up a dime off the floor is worth it
  • male british celebrity does something inane, thousands of american girls cry for weeks

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