the year is 1434

henry the blacksmith has a bit too much mead with his buddies and passes out

two months later he receives a message from the fair maiden jane in the next town over that says “what do you mean you wish to squeeze mine buttocks”

“oh my god,” he says, “i drunk carrier pigeoned her”

god the internet is amazing

you can use wikipedia and have instant and free access to the vast annals of human knowledge and learn about nearly any subject in the entire world that interests you

you can join in projects like folding@home to use your computer’s processing power when it’s idle to help perform computations with complex protein folding that help researchers in the fight against cancer

you can use amazon to browse an enormous superstore bigger than any brick-and-mortar store on the planet and order nearly any product you could possibly imagine and it will be at your door in two days

you can use google scholar to access thousands upon thousands of peer-reviewed academic articles and journals and join in the discussion to improve humanity and the world

you can use facebook and twitter and tumblr and youtube to keep in touch with friends anywhere on the planet in real time and meet new people and exchange ideas and showcase your creativity

you can also watch porn

fire up the lawnmowers and barbecues it’s time for the DAD OLYMPICS

events include BREAKING THINGS WHILE TRYING TO FIX THEM

WEARING SHORT SLEEVE BUTTON UP PLAID SHIRTS TO WORK

TELLING THE SAME JOKE FOR ELEVEN YEARS

and WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL

when i get a cat i’m gonna give it a human name and not tell anybody that it’s a cat unless they specifically ask

“hey adam, what are you doing”

“just petting craig”

ke$ha forced to change name to ke¢ha due to poor economy

the year 2048

a young man sobs, “but father, i don’t want to marry this horse!”

“i know son…nobody wants to be forced into horse marriage.  if only our ancestors had stopped obama.”

remember michele bachmann

that was a close one

i’d like one pizza with everything on it except rap and country